SanFranciscoSooner

BART>Muni>BART>Muni … BART=Muni?

19 Jun 2010 4 Comments

by sanfranciscosooner in Muni Tales Tags: bart, bart expert, bus pass, muni, public transportation, san francisco

The never-ending cycle.

I am, in my own opinion, a BART expert. People see me standing in the station and ask me for directions—and that’s how I know. If some stranger looks around, sees me, and thinks, “That girl looks like she’s from here and can help me” that means that every other person must also think that I am a BART expert. Even if this assumption may or may not be based on the opinion of someone who doesn’t know their ass from their elbow. (I’ve always wanted to use that expression.) It’s basically common knowledge at this point … Nikki=BART Expert. And I must admit that when I am asked directions and this common knowledge is driven closer and closed to becoming a verifiable truth—a fact, if you will—I glow a little brighter on the inside. Thank you BART direction-askers, whoever you might be. As much as you like being not lost, I like feeling as if I know what I am doing even more.

Anyway, the point is notttt really that I am a BART Expert (but I am, ask anyone … who is lost), this is more about how Muni has successfully made me feel like a moron. But it IS all Muni’s fault, I am in no way to blame in this situation (right … right?).

So, I have been getting the hang of taking the bus from my apartment to work and back. I got myself a shiny red bus pass that cost me $60 for the entire month as opposed to BART costing me about $160. Muni, 1. BART, 0.

Aside from riding the one bus line, I have no idea how to use the rest of the bus system, which is quite expansive. This is when I found myself pouring over the Muni website trying to figure out how to get to this apartment that I might or might not love. This has yet to be seen, as I have not seen it in person yet. This is also when I discover that the Muni website sucks massive balls. I don’t know who designed that site but I am almost certain that they should be fired. Muni, 1. BART, 1. Tie game. (Kind of like U.S. Soccer, right?)

I finally figure out which line will get me to my potential new apartment, the N-Train. Some Muni lines are buses and some are trains, and as this one is a train and you have to go to the BART station to use it, I automatically think that I am going to be an N-Train Expert instantly. Not so.

I go down into the station, this is very familiar, I am comfortable, I get it. The shiny high-tech BART turnstiles are to my right, the ghetto Muni turnstiles that look like they were stolen from a traveling carnival that folds up onto the back of a semi-truck are to my left. Muni, 1. BART, 6. (5 points for style)

I approach the traveling carnival turnstiles and insert my shiny red $60 bus pass. Nothing happens. My card does not resurface. Nobody is working the booth to save its life. (Fucking budget cuts, get your shit together California, C’MON!) WTF Muni. Muni, 1. BART, 7.

What do I do? Shimmy through the turnstile, of course, I have an apartment to see. I will deal with you later, damn it.

Bad choice. An hour later (after viewing the apartment that could possibly be my new home, whoo hoo), I emerge at the same exact set of turnstiles to find a Muni woman working the booth. I really want to know where she was when I needed her. How dare she inconvenience me? Internalize and deal with that later.

“Hi, hello, hey, miss, excuse me, yeah. I was here an hour ago and my shiny red magical bus pass got stuck in your god damn janky machines. In this exact machine (pointing, for full dramatic effect). Is there any way that you can give me a refund for my pass?”

“I’m sorry, we don’t give refunds for lost passes.”

EXCUSE ME. Where in my story did she hear that I “lost” my pass? Nowhere? Good. At least you and I are on the same page. Muni, 1. BART, 8.

“But I didn’t lose it, the machine, the MUNI machine, ATE it.”

“Well there is nothing that I can do for you, but you can fill out this form and mail it in.”

Mail? Like the kind you stamp? I can’t remember the last time I bought a stamp. Is she kidding? She wasn’t. Snail mail. For real. WTF Muni, have you not ever heard of online forms? Muni, 1. BART, 9.

Needless to say, I am not getting my pass refunded. I will buy another shiny red one that will somehow seem significantly less magical. $60 more dollars down the drain. Muni, Negative one effing million. BART, Negative one million.

Why is BART negative one million, you ask? Because. I’ll tell you. This is why. Even though Muni is a giant pain in my ass, BART still costs  more than twice as much as Muni.

I wish I had a teleporter. Or a car and driver to take me everywhere. I think maybe I’ll just get a bike.

Moral of the story: Not all public transportation is created equal, but, rest assured, they all suck ginormous nutsack in their own unique way.

But I really am a BART expert.

♥Nikki