SanFranciscoSooner

You Might Not Know It, but AT&T Knows It

22 Jun 2010 6 Comments

by sanfranciscosooner in Random Tags: att, customer service, help, internet, san francisco, sooner, the man

Let me give you a little background info. Jordan, Chase, and Greg were roommates. Greg just moved out to go to law school and Zack (my boyfriend) moved in. I am crashing with them until I move into my brand shiny new apartment, which will be soon (fingers … and probably toes if you’re talented … crossed). Anyway, we have been having quite a few of problems with AT&T. When Zack moved in and Greg moved out, which was twenty-two days ago, they did a switch-a-roo with the internet. Greg canceled his account and Zack created a new account and thus, we had internet and the swap was deemed successful. But really what AT&T was doing was luring us into a false sense of security only to pull the rug (or internet, rather) right out from under us. This was a week ago.

From that fateful day, we have embarked upon what one can only now reasonably consider a never-ending journey. All because AT&T is the holder of the answer to one of Greg’s deepest, darkest secrets … that even he doesn’t know the answer to. Crazy right? I’ll explain.

So my three very smart, very resourceful temporary roommates have spent approximately ten hours on the phone with AT&T, bouncing back and forth between departments and people who can’t help us at all. So I’m not exactly sure what their jobs are … unless of course they are employed by AT&T and placed in make-believe departments with fake titles to make you more and more confused as to who you are supposed to talk to in order to get your issues resolved while all the while the real employees of make-believe departments with fake titles are playing this evil interior game where the winners and high scorers are those that can have clients transferred the most while simultaneously not solving their problems (remember because they are employed just to confuse you … they actually don’t know how to solve your problems either) and get bonuses for the amounts of your time that they waste whilst transferring you and not answering your questions (Stop putting green squiggly lines under this sentence, Microsoft Word. I. know it’s a “Long Sentence”, I am the one writing it! Jesus.).

That didn’t really explain anything. But Zack was told repeatedly by the Emperor’s Overseer of Wrong Turns (fake titles … I knew it) that the account was active in Greg’s name and he couldn’t switch the account to his name because he is not Greg, and oh p.s., the router must not be working if you’re not getting internet, because the account is most definitely active, but you’re not Greg so that’s all I can tell you, except maybe to fix your router. All of this was told to Zack while he was staring at the router that was, in fact, working.

Chase was told by Tiger Woods’ Mistress in the Infidelity Department (one of them works for AT&T … don’t quote me on that though …) that she couldn’t tell him whether or not the account was active because he was also not Greg (something that someone else was at the liberty to tell Zack, someone who is also not Greg … strange) but she could confirm that the router was in fact working, which we knew all along, and that he should either call someone else or have Greg call her because there is nothing that she can tell Chase about the account because he is not Greg, something we also knew, and at this point we are clinging to every piece of information we know to be true.

So why don’t we just have Greg call? Well because he is in Central America, of course. And the only means of communication he has with this country is through Blackberry Messenger.

So Jordan bbms Greg and explains the situation, and Greg responds with: What. The. Fuck. I spent two hours on the phone with them canceling my account and transferring it to Zack’s name. Here take my SSN and call and say you are me.

So with Greg’s life in his hands, Chase phones some random branch … Olive … something or other. What is your name? Greg. What is your address? Hell, apparently. What is your SSN? Nine numbers.

Great, it looks like this is the path we need to be on (the rest of us are literally on the edge of our seats, hoping that this will finally be what cracks the massive AT&T conspiracy … that just maybe we reached a real branch with real employees with real answers to real questions … and we can finally get our sweet, sweet internet back).

One last security question Mr. Greg. Yes? Who is your childhood hero? Blank stares.

Jordan quickly bbms Greg who we can tell is fuming all the way down in Central America: Who is your childhood hero. Greg responds with: I don’t have a fucking childhood hero, what the fuck. I was never asked that question, nor did I give an answer to that question. This is fucking ridiculous. I already canceled my account, I don’t know who the fuck I talked to or why I am still signed up for a fucking account.

Chase (on the phone) responds with: Jordan. Well you got the first letter right, Mr. Greg, but that isn’t the correct answer.

Jordan bbms Greg again: it starts with a “J”.

Greg responds: Jake Peavy?

Is the answer Jake Peavy? No. I’m sorry Mr. Greg, if you can’t answer the question, I can’t give you any account information just in case you aren’t really Greg. Right, I have a pretty firm grasp on that concept … but don’t you think that this is a flawed system … I gave you my SSN, which only the real Greg would know, correct? … but yet you can’t tell me about my account because I don’t have a childhood hero and you think that I do and I don’t know the answer to it but you think you do? Correct. Well, now I am just curious, what is my childhood hero that starts with a “J”? Sir, I can’t tell you the answer to the secret question, then you would know the answer. I AM GREG (but he’s really Chase), I SHOULD KNOW THE ANSWER. I’m sorry Sir, you are going to have to call someone else, there is nothing that I can help you with if you don’t know the answer to your secret question.

Jordan bbms Greg: Jake Peavy isn’t your childhood hero. Just in case you were wondering.

Greg: I don’t have a childhood hero, and that would never be the secret question I would pick. This is fucking ridiculous.

We still don’t know the answer. And we still don’t have internet.

But what we do know is that the NSA gets its information from AT&T, who apparently steals it right out of your thoughts. That’s right. They are the Thought Police (is it 1984, George Orwell?), anything you think will be held against you in a case where you might need to know the answer to get internet but you don’t know the answer because you’re not sure you ever thought it and you’re not sure that if you did think it that you told anyone the answer but you’re 99 percent almost kind of sure you never had a childhood hero. Or did you? Who knows?

AT&T. That’s who.

♥Nikki